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Saturday, February 26, 2011

The 7 Most Stupidly Overpowered Hunting Weapons

#7 
.577 Tyrannosaur Rounds
The .577 Tyrannosaur round is, well, let's just say they don't name something "the T-Rex" because of its subtly engineered grace:


The one on the left is the T-Rex; the fourth is an ordinary shotgun round.


It's a bullet so large that you can't actually use it. Here's a clip of people trying to fire it.

So basically, the Tyrannosaur round is only for dipshits who need to overcompensate for something more than they need working arms to shield their faces from angry bears, or else it's for expert hunters who have become so jaded by their excessive prowess that they feel the need to handicap themselves. Possibly literally.



#6
Shadow Shield
The Shadow Shield is a new kind of blind -- a camouflaged shelter that allows hunters to get close enough to their targets to fire shots. But the Shadow Shield takes that concept a bit further, in that it is to game what the Predator's cloaking device was to Arnold Schwarzenegger:

 
What is that? Something nailed to the tree?

  Oh, it's an invisible man with a gun. Really, dude? I'm a fucking deer. 


#5
The Net Gun 


We'll let the website text introduce you to the Super Talon Net Gun: "Need an alternative to darts? Get a net gun. Need to rescue a bird that got entangled? Grab a net gun. Have a pet that always thinks you're trying to play tag with it and darts every time you get close? Grab a net gun."
That's right: From hunting to humanitarian missions to just getting your dog to hate you, nothing does it better than a cartoonish net-firing hand-cannon. Don't worry -- it doesn't require any special licenses or permits to operate, because it's technically classified as a "tool" instead of a "firearm" -- and you will be too, once you deploy something out of a Batman villain's arsenal just to bag a squirrel. It comes with a hefty $900 price tag, but for the arch nemesis on a budget, you can always just build one yourself.

 #4
Barnes Varmint Grenade


The Barnes Varmint Grenade isn't actually a grenade, just a precisely engineered hollow-point bullet. It comes in two sizes: Regular ...
And Insecure:
 The Varmint Grenade was designed by Barnes using "military-grade technology" to ensure that larger animals can be killed without damaging their valuable pelts, because the bullets expand so rapidly on impact that they don't actually punch through the other side of a larger animal. Small entrance hole on one side, nonexistent exit hole on the other side, bag of nice soft fur filled with animal soup inside. We should mention at this point that hollow-point bullets were actually banned for use in war by the Hague Convention, which predated the Geneva Conventions, because of their "inhumanity" ... so it's a good thing you're not usin' 'em on humanity, ain't it?! Yee-haw! Let's commitin' war-crimes agin' opossums!

#3
The Gobbler Guillotine Wild Turkey Broadhead
We don't mean to come off as anti-hunting here. Our food has to come from somewhere; we know that. And if you approach it with the right attitude, hunting is certainly more respectable than buying your meat at the store. It's just that so much of this advanced hunting gear isn't "treating the exchange of life with humane reverence" as much as it is "dramatically over-murdering furry things because they frown when I talk about doing it to people." But now, finally, there's a product that bridges the two worlds of humane hunting and rampant sociopathy! The Gobbler Guillotine is exactly what the name suggests: a specially designed arrowhead, engineered to instantly behead turkeys.

#2
The Internet
There's only one thing wrong with hunting: the outdoors. The killing's great, the free meat is great, the sense of undeserved confidence that comes with wielding a gun is fucking fantastic -- but all that fresh air and nature is a load of crap, isn't it? Well, don't worry. Just like every other terrible, morally bankrupt and probably illegal desire you have, the /internet has got your back on this one:
N
o, we should probably add another gun. These are rabbits we're talking about here; they're wily. 
That thing is pretty much exactly what it looks like: A jury-rigged remote controlled gun platform hooked up to the Internet. This particular example had only three shotguns, but there were other platforms found in the area with upwards of six shotguns. You know, just in case you want to give that beaver the full "revolutionary firing squad" experience. Forty states have outright banned Internet hunting, but that doesn't stop people like Jay Williams, who created the above rig. He claims he set them up as hog control, but unless they're the hogs from Animal Farm, nobody's buying it.

#1
The Punt Gun
 Are you ready? Are your sweaty fingers poised above the keyboard, your keen -- albeit somewhat myopic and beady -- eyes ready to spot the pixels? Here we go:
"FAAKE! PHOTOSHOPPZZZZ!!!!"

Nope, that's real, and it's not a mock-up or a model. Those are called punt guns, and they range from 6 1/2 up to roughly 10 feet in length. They're basically just giant shotguns that fire a pound of shot with every trigger pull. Here's a video of one in action, as narrated by Tony the Tiger:


Two things just happened in that video: One, somebody got a great sound clip for his animated 80s mascot snuff film, and two, that fucking gun just destroyed 50 targets and the entire table they were mounted on. So what was it used for, repelling bear armies? Assassinating continents? Mugging the moon?

14 comments:

  1. Guns these days... Soon they are going to have to start making bigger heads to match the bullets.

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  2. A fellow cracked reader...I like! followed!

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  3. i want a fleet of punt guns on cars, so u could just drive down the highway and blast people that are in your way

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  4. Oh wow, I'm gonna have to get one of those net guns. The idea of catching my dog in it when she's being ornery is just too hilarious to pass up.

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  5. Amazing, very good blog.

    +followed:)

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  6. Hahahaha, only in America I suppose :D

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  7. whoa, the t-rex is freaking huge

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  8. Love the first video! Seen it plenty of times and got to say its stupidly powerful! Haha thanks for sharing!

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  9. Ok, but the varmint grenade was funny... In a sick sick way.

    I'm tempted to buy a net gun just to scare my brother in law. Hunt him down, bag n tag him...

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  10. Look at the bright side - you wouldn't feel a thing.

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